I’m really not sure if this is an appropriate place to share these feelings, this seems more like a diary entry than a blog post. I’ve got no where else to put it though and I’ve got no one else to share it with.
I have no happy memories anymore. I can’t think of something from my childhood and feel glad about it, I can only feel hurt or numb.
This afternoon I turned on my 90s Pop station on Pandora. The first song up was Scar Tissue by RHCP. I had a split second when I wanted to smile, remembering a moment in my life when this song was prominent. It was winter time and my dad was cutting out some wood to make Christmas gift baskets for our family. My parents, my sister and I, and our dog were all piled in the shed while he measured and cut the wood. We had a small heater in the shed and my mother, sister, dog, and I were cuddled around it in blankets talking and singing along to the radio. Scar Tissue started to play, and me being the silly 8-ish year old kid I was, started singing the lyrics I thought were being sang. “With the birds I share this lonely view” became “With the birds I share this long-legged you.” My parents thought this was HILARIOUS and could have passed out from oxygen deprivation they laughed so hard.
This used to be one of my favorite memories, but today I could hardly handle it. Was my mother unhappy at this point? Did she ache to leave my father and us behind in pursuit of her own selfish needs? My childhood was a lie, she was never happy, she never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with us. My mother has spent more time with her best friend’s daughter over the last 2 years then she ever has with me in my entire life.
So, I quickly changed to song so I wouldn’t become hysterical. The next song was a good song, I listened to that with no issues. Then, The Way by Fastball began playing. I love this song but I had to change it immediately because it was tied to yet another memory. Around the same time period as the previous memory, my mother, my sister, and I were singing this song ALL DAY. It was hopelessly stuck in our heads. When we got into the car, still singing, my mom turned on the car and shockingly The Way was playing on the radio and we ended up being perfectly in-sync with the song! It was miraculous to us.
I just can’t handle this anymore. How can it be that my life seemed so happy if my mother was secretly this angry, selfish, vengeful person? I’m not doing very well.
I thought that maybe everyone could use a little humor to brighten up their evening. #YOLO
Laughing hysterically right now!
Queen of Cups
She is a temptress. She plays with your emotions. She dances, dazzles with her magic, and charms with her flirtatious promises of happiness.
The Queen of Cups reversed represents an overemotional wreck of a woman who can be driven to manipulation as well as vindictiveness. Her mood swings make life for others difficult. When she’s in control, she poses to be an emotional drain on your life. She will play your emotional heartstrings to her advantage and dazzle you with illusions of love and romance. Within her, she could also harbor angst and self-loathing for her inability to do more with herself and her talents.
In relationships this card heralds a time when separating the emotions from any sense of sensibility may be difficult. Strong emotions may seem to take all parties on a roller coaster ride. Within projects, jobs, or workplaces, all members may feel their emotions are a little frayed from stress. This card warns against entering into an agreements with those who seem to play on your sense of guilt or pull on your emotional heartstrings, for they may not be what they seem.
*Card image and text from Revelations Tarot by Zach Wong
I know I’m a bit late with my New Moon post, but bear with me, I’ve been dealing with some things.
With New Moons come new beginnings, I am trying very hard to focus on that right now. I’m starting to get back into my meditations and calming breathing, and I’ve been thinking about my spirituality a lot lately. This is sort of difficult for me to talk about since I have spent so much of my life holding my faith inside, it just feels like that’s what I *should* do. When I get angry or upset, I like to think about the Goddess. I picture the different forms she takes, I imagine what it would be like to be in her presence. After a few minutes, I feel closer to her and I find it easier to calm down.
It’s been a bit more difficult lately. My parents are currently separated after 26 years of marriage, my mother gallivanting around on her mid-life crisis and my father left devastated at home, my sister and I scrambling to pick up the pieces. I’m finding myself in a constant push and pull of being angry and distraught.
Maybe when we close on your house in a few weeks and move in, I will feel better. I’m so thrilled to have a yard to plant in, a garden to walk through. I’m planning to build myself a small shed and give myself a meditation space to collect my thoughts and reconnect to the world.
If anyone has any experience with parents separating while you were an adult, or even fun ideas about my eclectic meditation area, please feel free to let me know.